12 Days to Christmas

Dec 16^th, 2007 (Sunday)

Still nothing. No word from Mikey. I called my dad and said I was coming to SLC to help look for him. He didn’t refuse this time. He gave me a heads up that Mikey’s gun was missing too. With a heavy heart I drove to my dads with missing person flyers in hand.

When I got there we headed to Mikey’s room. We went through all his stuff. It felt weird but I felt desperate. Anything that might help us is all I kept thinking. He had left his drivers license, money, his smokes, everything. He left everything behind. He knew he didn’t need it anymore. Unfortunately he left nothing to help us figure out where he could be. There was added confusion and unanswered questions. We gathered up a few notes with addresses and names so we could check them out. My dad asked if I would walk through his yard and garage just to make sure he wasn’t missing anything. I can’t describe the feeling I had. Was I looking to find something that my dad chose to ignore? Was I hoping to find the solution? It was very confusing and very hard. At the same time I felt like I needed to be strong for my dad, be there and show up in a way he needed.

We worked on the missing person flyers a little more. . We posted them in some local spots and my dear friend posted some too at the bottom of the canyons. Would Mikey retreat there? He loved the outdoors and the canyons but he knows how hard it would be to find him.

We decided to take Mikey’s dog Sage to a park near by their house to look for Mikey. It was as if I was living in a really, really bad dream. We combed the park, looking under bushes, through thick vegetation, walking trails, and trying to be focused. It was absolutely horrible. When I think about it now, years later, I know the only reason we were able to do such an unthinkable task was because we were so desperate to find him. At the same time I was absolutely terrified of finding him. Such a confusing space. What if I found him!! What if I didn’t? What if my dad or Peggy did? What would we do?? The whole experience was really hard and emotionally exhausting. After nothing, we went back to my dads. We hugged, cried and counted on the next day to find him.

 

12 Day to Christmas

Dec 15^th, 2007

I woke up with a horrible knot in my stomach that stayed for a long time after this day. It actually lasted for months and months. I called my dad to check in. We ran through many possibilities of where Mike could be. He had called a few of Mikes friends and had driven by their houses. He was starting to get a little worried. I offered to come to SLC immediately to help but he said to wait one more day to see if we heard anything. At this point I was the only sibling living near enough to be able to help. Ok, I said. Please, please call if anything changes, no matter the time. He said okay. He also said he would check his house, yard, Mikes car everything for any clue. I hung up. I cried. I knew in my heart that my brother was dead and this was a recovery mission. I couldn’t say it. I said it to Adam but no one else. It hurt too much. I couldn’t say it again and could not accept the reality of what was happening.

I spent the night making missing people flyers. Sheets of paper that we could post with his picture, a number to call us and info on him missing. I sent them to my family and friends. Is my brother really a missing person??? It made it very real on how horrible families feel when they are dealing with a missing person. You are so desperate, scared, determined, sad and confused. Such a strange feeling, I knew he was missing but I knew he was dead somewhere. But where Mikey were you?!? Why didn’t you leave some clue for us so we could recover your physical being?? Have an answer! Lay you to peace! Where are you Mikey!!!

12 Days to Christmas

Dec 14^th, 2007

It’s 6pm and I’m trying to head out to go to a friends’ house warming party (solo- Adam graciously offered to baby sit). I got a call from my dad. ‘Mikey is missing,’ he said. ‘What do you mean?’ was my reply. Well, after we had left last night, Mikey headed out around 8pm. He took off for a walk and never came back. A THOUSAND different scenarios raced through my head. ‘What??? Why??,’ I asked. My dad wasn’t sure what was up. Then he told me about the note he had found under Mike’s pillow. ‘What did it say?’ I asked. Hoping for some idea – maybe he ran away to the ocean, the mountains, something to escape. Escape was exactly what it was but not what I thought. ‘It’s a suicide note’, he replied. For some reason he didn’t sound panicked or grief stricken. He said he was just starting to get a little concerned. I asked him to please call if any news surfaces and I could come down to help look for him. Whatever we needed to do. Now looking back, the fact that my dad called and told me he was missing was a sign itself. My dad wouldn’t have called unless he felt a little uneasy. He knew but didn’t want to know. I knew but didn’t want to know either. My ‘gut’ and the intuition that had been surfacing more and more, knew the journey that was about to happen however my heart refused to acknowledge it.

12 days to Christmas

Its strange how you count the days after a death of losing someone close, just like you count the days after birth. When you have a new child you count their age in weeks, then months and eventually years. It’s the same when someone dies. When I first started writing this my brother had been dead for 1 month and 12 days. Now its almost nine years since we found him.

This is how it all began. The 12 days to Christmas that I never will forget. When I look back and reflect the years since have been in stages. First shock. Next surviving and acceptance. Then beginning to apply lessons while accepting, next practice of applying what I’ve learned and more practice and more practice. This is the stage I’m in now. Sometimes I moved forward and then way back. Now I’m on a pretty good forward trajectory. I just need to keep moving forward. Believing, knowing and trusting in self and others.

Dec 13^th, 2007

It started as a fairly normal day with the exception that we (me and my 16 month old daughter) were heading to SLC for a day of shopping and picture taking. There was snow, Christmas in the air and an overall good feeling. I never knew that morning that this was a day that would never be a normal day.

We had professional pictures done with my sweet girl, met my dad and Peggy for lunch. Then my dad and Peggy took little Jade back to their house after lunch so I could get some shopping done with friends. As we were shopping I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. I almost just let her pass however I had a very strong feeling to reach out to her. I basically chased her down the hall to catch up and say hello. She greeted me with a very big hug and said she had been wanting to call me and how grateful she was to run into me. She proceeded to tell me that she had been diagnosed with cancer and she was having a double mastectomy in three days. My heart dropped to my stomach and I stared at this young, vibrant, kind, beautiful women. She was nervous, which I never saw in her and she was looking for support, which she had a tremendous amount of. This was a first awakening into a week of following my intuition and one that I was so grateful to follow. Keep tuned in I thought to myself. Always follow that ‘gut’ and stop doubting. I love that beautiful friend.

After a long successful shopping day I headed back to my dads to pick up Jade. My friend that lived near me was with me that day. As we pulled in the driveway I saw my brothers car parked in the driveway. ‘Well Anna, I guess you finally get to meet my little brother,’ I said as we pulled in. When we entered the house Jade greeted us with hugs and Christmas warmth filled us from the cold December evening. Mikey came out to say hi. This was a little out of the ordinary as he usually chose to spend time in his room and selectively came out to greet visitors, even family. Since we hadn’t spoken since Thanksgiving, I welcomed it and introduced him to Anna. He didn’t leave after the hello’s. In fact he seemed to lurk during the time we were there. Not really engaged but not leaving. Typically he would have retreated to his room by now. I packed up Jade and got ready to go. I gave Mikey a hug and for some reason told him to call me if he needed anything. He shrugged it off. I told him I meant it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve recalled this moment. Maybe a million. The look on his face. The last time I ever heard his voice. The last time we talked. The last time we hugged. I wish that hug lasted forever. I wish I knew then what was going to happen and never let him go. I didn’t know. How could I have known? We loaded up in the car and left. Later that evening I recalled the whole night to mom over a phone conversation. How Mikey was there, lurking, how he seemed different. I’m deeply grateful that I had that encounter with my brother that night. I know that by seeing him and holding him that night it created a connection between us both at a soul level that I can never deny. A connection that spoke to my intuition the following week and still does today. Death cannot break the bond of the souls.

 

Happy Life Day!

Sixteen years ago today I escorted my dear mom into an experience of a lifetime.  Brain Surgery.  When I reflect on it now, I’m not sure how we pulled it off.

I was much younger then and so were my siblings.  My parents were in midst of a divorce and not really on supportive terms with one other yet.  It all happened pretty quickly.  My mom lost some hearing in one of ears.  She thought she had some water clogged up in there from swimming but after a bit in never unclogged.  She went to get checked by her primary doctor.  It was nothing short of a miracle that he took an extra step and told her to go the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist.  They ran an MRI.  I remember going with her to hear the ‘results’.  They found a tumor, a small one, that was tied up in the spot were her hearing, facial and balance nerves interweave.  We were shocked to say the least.  They said it was slow growing and most likely malignant.  They called it an acoustic neuroma.  She had a choice- they could operate now or she could wait.  My mom being as wise as she is said she wanted it out now.  At least if it’s small then there shouldn’t be much permanent damage.

Mom would be in the hospital up to 2 weeks and out of work for another 6 weeks. A whirlwind begun of figuring out surgery, doctors, wrapping up her divorce, how to care for the kids, and how to care for my mom.   If you know my mom, you know she likes to do things right.  She covered all her bases included creating a will and reviewing it with me so I understood her wishes if it came to that.  I think I held it together with her but I remember a HUGE knot in my stomach at the thought of losing her.  She was my rock, she held our family together, she was young, and she was my mom.

May 1, 1998 we checked her into the hospital and mom got prepped for a 6-hour brain surgery.  She had top-notch doctors and the outlook was good.  After 6 hours she wasn’t out of surgery.  My grandma and I were getting anxious. (Sidenote – I’m so thankful for my grandma and the role she played for us and her daughter.  She was the other ‘adult’ to help me manage it all.  She was a true lifesaver.) FINALLY, they came out and said she made it through the surgery and they removed the full tumor.  What a big, big sigh of relief.  Now what?

I can tell you it wasn’t what I expected. At all.  When I first saw her I couldn’t hold back the tears.  She was of course, not all with it, with half her head shaved and the biggest scar I’ve ever seen across her skull.  It was anything but fun for her.  She didn’t want all the medication but she couldn’t even sit up without puking because the ‘balance nerve’ being involved.  She finally agreed to take the nausea meds so she could sit up.  It was a VERY SLOW process.  My grandma and I took shifts overnight;  friends and family took the kids and brought food.  It was a joyous event when mom could finally walk the length of the hospital hallway.  That was when they would send her home!

Not that home was easy. All the siblings, grandma’s, grandpa’s and extended family pitched in.  Everyone had to play a role to keep the house and mom on track.  Walking her around the circle, carpooling the kids around, grocery shopping and eventually driving mom to work and back.  Recovery was a long, long road.  My mom being the strongest person I know did it with grace, humility and an awesome sense of humor.

When she was finally up and around we decided to go to an acoustic neuroma support group.  We both left the meeting in tears of gratitude.   So many there had lost their hearing or were paralyzed on one side of their face.  Some never regained their balance.  Mom was so lucky.  She is an incredible piano player and to not be able to hear the tune would have killed her.  To not have movement in her face or to be able to move her body the same would have been so hard on her.  Like I said, nothing short of a miracle.  We cried in the car together and thanked the universe her primary care doctor followed his intuition to have her checked.  Besides just having her still here, she was going to fully recover.

Since then we’ve adopted May 1st as Life Day in our family.  Every year we take time to appreciate that we still have our mom.  We take time to share our love for one another.  We reflect on how important it is to have that unconditional love in our family.  We’ve had loss and we’ve had miracles.  Both have been incredible opportunities for us to grow and to learn more compassion in life.

Guess what mom and sissies?  Someone, somewhere must have heard about our Life Day.  I saw online that the Love Foundation has designated May 1st as Global Love Day.  How perfect is that??  It’s gone global.  Their tagline is ‘Love begins with me.’  It’s beautiful and true.

I love you momma and will once again spend today thanking the powers that be for you!!  You are our rock, our example and our shining star.  Thank you, thank you.

So go out NOW and tell the people in your life that you love them.  Show compassion to others.  Let go of that which doesn’t serve you.  Love yourself.   Don’t wait. Do it NOW. You never know.

All you need is love?

This is a great song, I even have a shirt that has it plastered all over it in every direction,  ‘All you needis love’.  Is that all you need? From everything I’ve been contemplating this week, yes.

Everything goes back to love….love of others leads to helping others, serving others, compassion for others.  Love for yourself leads to opening up your whole word.  For if you love yourself, care for yourself, forgive yourself, have compassion for yourself, you have so much more to give to those around you, hence more love surrounding you.  Self love gets a bad wrap with some but self love isn’t about being self absorbed or egotistical.  The self love I’m speaking about is with no ego.  It’s an understanding that having a true life of inner peace means you have the understanding that we are all connected.  By having love for myself means I have love for those around me. By having turmoil with myself means having turmoil with those around me. And vice-versa.  My actions and feelings that I exude to those around me I am putting on myself too.  There isn’t a separation.  It’s a strange thing to really accept how interconnected we all are. But something I do believe to be true.

In thinking about this interconnectedness it also has me reflect on how I provide self care for myself, my self love.  I’m a people pleaser.  I hate to admit this but it’s true. I think more people are than they want to admit.  It’s good in the sense that I want those around me to feel good and I genuinely like helping others.  It’s not so good when I put myself on the back burner.  Not good when I continue to try to please others while ignoring Amy. I heard a quote this week that was a good reminder ‘If you spend your life trying to make other people happy, you’re spending your life.’  I don’t want to spend my life away.  I want to live a fulfilling life full of love, adventure, giving and gratitude.  That means I need to work on my self love so I have more to give.  In an effort to do this, I made a list of non-negotiables for what I need in my life on a daily basis.  To be honest I have a few non-negotiable lists in my life lately.  The things I won’t change, the things I need to thrive.  It feels good to have those to help remind me what I’ve learned to find value in as I’ve evolved.  My daily non-negotiable consists of : being outside in nature, physical movement, music, family time, nourishment, learning and giving.  I decided the giving can be to me or to others (help me with that people pleaser part of me :).  It doesn’t have to take the whole day to go through the list or the only thing I do during the day….but throughout the day these these will be incorporated somehow.

I also will admit that I am a personal development junkie.  I have been for years. Throw me the Alchemist, the Four Agreements,  something by Deepak Chopra or a Wayne Dyer and I’m curled up for the night engrossed.  I like the idea of being able to grow and improve, learn and evolve. And thinking about the deeper concept of love has been another part of this process.  Instead of  thinking of this learning as self improvement I’m going to start thinking of it as self acceptance. That means with no judging.  Instead of reading, learning and judging myself on what I need to change, I’m going to accept where I’m at and know I’m surrounded by what I need. If we judge ourselves, we need to forgive ourselves, love ourselves. It should be easier than I make it be.  For the love we all seek is always around us.  We are love at the core of our essence. So I think I’m just going to relax a bit more.  I’m just going to go with the nature of just being love. The nature of love within and without.  The reality of love as your true self at all times.  So when other things show up like fear,  people pleasing, anger, frustration, I can readjust and re-interupt the situation based on love.  That can only help me live a life more in my element.  Could you imagine a world where this type of inner peace and love for ourselves and others is the habit?  The new norm? I’m sure going to do my part to have that be my world.  The world where all we need is love.

Gratitude for relationships

Alright this is a little cheesy but – I am so grateful for the relationships I have in my life.  If there is one thing that brings me joy when I reflect on the dash in my life it is that.  Relationships with my kids, husband, family and friends.

With my family I honestly feel I can call any of them, extended- in-laws- immediate, any time and have love, have understanding.  Some I have very fond childhood memories of roller skating and cereal.  Some I have only met a couple of times.  It doesn’t matter.  The bond is made.  They are family.  And if you know me, I’m quite a loyal person.

With friends it’s amazing too.  I have those that I’ve know since I was 13 yrs old and still can call my best friend (love you JG).  Those that I grew up with in the ‘hood and have been able to reconnect with. I have one that I worked with only a few months many years ago but our relationship has stuck.  I love her like my sister for life. She always shows up.  When I tell people I’m still friends with people from high school – some don’t understand.  But it’s true. I’m lucky enough to have some of my best from HS still cutting my hair, giving me ski passes, comping me dinners, inviting me to spend the weekend, and witnessing weddings.  We’ve camped, vacationed, partied, loved, grieved, grew up, and welcomed in new lives as friends.

Lately my circle of friends has grown to my current location too.  How lucky that in this little valley I have been able to have met other like minded, free-loving ladies.  They have given me more than they know.

I’ve been grateful through my jobs to meet my tribe.  At the time I’m always unaware of what we are creating together and the bond we are building.  But now as I reflect, I am awestruck.  As one incredible woman I met lately summed it up – we were building our fan club.  These people have shown me their talent, their drive, and themselves.  I’m a fan.  I will always be in their fan club and cheering them on.  What an incredible realization to know I will back them up- give them a great reference, believe in them, their decisions and they will do the same for me.

What is this that ties some people together?  It doesn’t happen with all relationships.  As I thought about this I believe it comes down to exposure.  Somehow the one’s that you have the bond with that surpasses the boundaries (time, distance, communication), are the one’s that have exposed their true self in some way (I don’t mean flashing).  And I have shared that with them too.  We’ve shared something real.  We’ve related on a true level where we have ‘seen’ what each of us are made of.  We’ve trusted.  We’ve seen in each other our greatness, what we are capable of and the element within us.  We have a cheerleader for life.  This is true for family and friends.  The bond that ties us.

How grateful I am for these relationships.  There are no words to thank all these people that have built these relationships with me.  It is truly amazing.  My gratitude for the love, security and this bond I have with many is overwhelming.  So, I thank you.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a life full of relationships.  Full of trust and love that not everyone gets to experience. Thank you for believing in my element.  I believe in you living yours and will always be in your fan club cheering you on!

The truths about living – here is your present

I just read a really great article that helped me put in to words something I’ve been observing lately.  I can relate to this article.  I’m surrounded by women and men that are amazing, that are really striving to live in their element everyday.  I’m so grateful to these people that lift me up and give me the positive energy This article gracefully addresses the 7 cliches that keep us from our true power.  The power we all have within and so want to manifest daily.

Why do we feel insecure, out of balance, disconnected and self sabotaging along with pushing ourselves too hard?  I’m pushing so hard right now  – trying to be at the PTO meeting, boot camp, yoga, moving my family, getting that PPT up, all my work that really matters to me— the things I want to do.  Example -In an attempt to get Jade to ballet on time tonight (we’ve been late the last 2 weeks) I mixed up the time and dropped her off 1/2 hour early!!  Yes, we were on time but I felt guilty.  Which is another self sabotaging thing.  To make up for it I went to watch her dance for 45 min.  At first, I will admit I felt like it was wasting a valuable time slot I had.  With my days to crammed of stuff- it was hard.  Then I thought of something my husband shared last night.  Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. And today ? Is a gift- that is why it’s call the present.  Then  it was blissful.  The first 10 min I checked my email to make sure I wasn’t missing anything and the last 35 min I watched a class-full of giggly 7-8 yr olds learning new technique.  I was giggling too.   So grateful for that moment of bliss – letting it go.  I remembered one of my core values – FUN!!!

We all try so hard every day.  No one is perfect, we are all trying to be in our element right?Learning, remembering, and letting go.  This is a week when I really, really need to remember how I show up, what my core values are…..but I also believe that you are on the path you should be when you are tested more and more on these values.  I feel it strongly right now.  I’m being tested. I can’t wait to move thru this phase and see what is next.  The good or the challenge.  It’s all a present that I am lucky to receive.  I will move forward as hard as it may be, as hard as the feelings are…..I’m a present person and grateful to have these truths of living.

Happy Birthday little brother!

Today Mikey would be 34 years old.  Wow. 

It’s strange to think about what his life would be like at this age.  What the last 6 years would have brought for him.  Would they have brought him the happiness he so wished for and deserved or the constant turmoil he had lived in for so many years?  I like to think it would be the happiness.  I know that is where is true heart was and frankly it’s easier to imagine that for him then him enduring more pain.  

I’ve tried hard the last few years to really think about all the fun times we had over the years instead of focusing on how he left us.  I remember lots of fond times as kids – great vacations, playing in the yard, all his baseball games, home videos….our little fuzzy wuzzy with the grandpa hair.  I remember in his early twenties when we were able to start hanging out as adults.  Camping, fishing, going to live shows – I’ll never forget the look on his face when we took him to his first Trey show in Chicago.  Or the fact that he stayed in Chicago for a little longer than planned to hang with his sisters cute room- mate.  How he would call us his beautiful sisters.  He taught me how to use lotion to pat down my fuzzy hair, he taught me how to love unconditionally like I’ve never experienced before and through his death he taught me how to grieve like I’ve never experienced before and how to feel compassion like never before.  His life and death brought me many life experiences to help me be a better person.  Helped me in learning how to live in my element and why it’s so important.

You know I didn’t even call him on his last birthday with us?  Isn’t that crazy?  Why I didn’t call him was in an effort to protect myself from being hurt.  Confusing and dumb.  I used to beat myself up over that fact but I know he understands.  I know he knows I love him.  That takes me back to my blog about how you show up (blog from Sept 25).  Don’t let how other people affect you change how you want to be.  If I would have been myself I would have called him instead of taking things personal.  I relish in the fact that I did get to tell him I loved him before he left and give him a big hug.  That makes up for the birthday crap.

The first birthday we had without him happened to be the AFSP suicide walk.  Inaugural event on Sept 27, 2008.  We went because we didn’t know what else to do.  We showed up to many loving family and friends waiting with open arms.  How lucky we have been in that aspect? Lifesavers you all have been.  It was a good way to celebrate and reflect.

Anyway- celebrate life, celebrate your family.  Let grudges go and be yourself. Tell your family you love them.  Celebrate Mikey with me today by remembering a good memory of the cute kid and handsome guy we know.  Eat a brownie in his honor- I think I will. If you feel so inclined you can watch this video that my sweet sister Ashley put together to help us remember Mikey.  I’m a little technically challenged so my edits on the video aren’t perfect (ash’s version was much better) so no comments and please no comments on the awesome hairdo’s we had in the past 🙂

Happy birthday little brother! I love you.

How are you showing up in the moments?

I’ve given a lot of thought to this idea of how I show up but it’s becoming more and more something I’m making a bigger effort at daily.  I’ve understood for awhile that you can’t control what happens around you but you can control how you respond. That I do pretty well when it comes to some of the heavy things in life. But to me this idea of showing up goes even a little deeper. It’s how that concept comes into play in the moments of life.

By how you show up I don’t mean necessarily your ‘presence’ although that is a part of it.  Mostly how you can consistently be your true self regardless of how others influence how you feel at the moment.  This must start by identifying your authentic, core values.  Those parts of life that are treasures to you- what must be a part of your daily life.  Think about it hard and identify your highest authentic values.  Write them down (thank you Mach II for helping me do this recently).  Mine are love, family, fun, success, integrity, compassion, contribution and gratitude.  Now for the hard part – how do you live up to these values no matter what is said or done around you?

Example – just pretend you have a friend who is compassionate, interactive, social and likes to help others.  This friend has a cousin that is very self absorbed and not positive in any aspect.  You are with that friend and see how they act more withdrawn, less compassionate, less communicative around that family member then how they truly are.  Your friend, probably in an effort to save his/her energy, pulls away from their cousin. Interesting to watch eh?  Then later you listen to your friend wish they could not feel like that but could still be themselves.  Your friend almost feels guilty about changing who they are in this situation. Why is it so hard?  (this is a not related to any of my cousins – I love you! purely an example).  

I’ve been there.  My husband makes a comment that sets me off – instead of being set off I need to center back to my authentic self.  Not let what he has said change how I show up. He’s not trying to hurt me so why take it personal? (that’s a more real example – love you honey). To be fair- I do the same thing to him too. It reminds me to be myself in interactions I start too as I may affect someone in a not so great way or in a positive way.  Depends on how I show up.  How about the jerk, I mean guy, that cut me off this morning on my way to boot camp.  Instead of getting pissed off – I need to center myself.  I don’t know what’s going on in his life- maybe he had a really good reason for doing that.  Regardless, that small incident shouldn’t change that I’m compassionate and loving not a finger throwing gal.  It reminds me of one of the four agreements – to not take anything personal.

See what I mean?  It’s not easy but it’s life altering.  I know after continuing to give more thought to this during the many moments of life it soon will become habitual and really be life altering.  It will only allow me to be living even closer to my element.  My true self showing up all the time will only lead me to where I need to be.

Think about your core values and how you are showing up.  Re-evaluate, move towards your element.  I’ll do my best to meet you there!