Happy Birthday little brother!

Today Mikey would be 34 years old.  Wow. 

It’s strange to think about what his life would be like at this age.  What the last 6 years would have brought for him.  Would they have brought him the happiness he so wished for and deserved or the constant turmoil he had lived in for so many years?  I like to think it would be the happiness.  I know that is where is true heart was and frankly it’s easier to imagine that for him then him enduring more pain.  

I’ve tried hard the last few years to really think about all the fun times we had over the years instead of focusing on how he left us.  I remember lots of fond times as kids – great vacations, playing in the yard, all his baseball games, home videos….our little fuzzy wuzzy with the grandpa hair.  I remember in his early twenties when we were able to start hanging out as adults.  Camping, fishing, going to live shows – I’ll never forget the look on his face when we took him to his first Trey show in Chicago.  Or the fact that he stayed in Chicago for a little longer than planned to hang with his sisters cute room- mate.  How he would call us his beautiful sisters.  He taught me how to use lotion to pat down my fuzzy hair, he taught me how to love unconditionally like I’ve never experienced before and through his death he taught me how to grieve like I’ve never experienced before and how to feel compassion like never before.  His life and death brought me many life experiences to help me be a better person.  Helped me in learning how to live in my element and why it’s so important.

You know I didn’t even call him on his last birthday with us?  Isn’t that crazy?  Why I didn’t call him was in an effort to protect myself from being hurt.  Confusing and dumb.  I used to beat myself up over that fact but I know he understands.  I know he knows I love him.  That takes me back to my blog about how you show up (blog from Sept 25).  Don’t let how other people affect you change how you want to be.  If I would have been myself I would have called him instead of taking things personal.  I relish in the fact that I did get to tell him I loved him before he left and give him a big hug.  That makes up for the birthday crap.

The first birthday we had without him happened to be the AFSP suicide walk.  Inaugural event on Sept 27, 2008.  We went because we didn’t know what else to do.  We showed up to many loving family and friends waiting with open arms.  How lucky we have been in that aspect? Lifesavers you all have been.  It was a good way to celebrate and reflect.

Anyway- celebrate life, celebrate your family.  Let grudges go and be yourself. Tell your family you love them.  Celebrate Mikey with me today by remembering a good memory of the cute kid and handsome guy we know.  Eat a brownie in his honor- I think I will. If you feel so inclined you can watch this video that my sweet sister Ashley put together to help us remember Mikey.  I’m a little technically challenged so my edits on the video aren’t perfect (ash’s version was much better) so no comments and please no comments on the awesome hairdo’s we had in the past 🙂

Happy birthday little brother! I love you.

How are you showing up in the moments?

I’ve given a lot of thought to this idea of how I show up but it’s becoming more and more something I’m making a bigger effort at daily.  I’ve understood for awhile that you can’t control what happens around you but you can control how you respond. That I do pretty well when it comes to some of the heavy things in life. But to me this idea of showing up goes even a little deeper. It’s how that concept comes into play in the moments of life.

By how you show up I don’t mean necessarily your ‘presence’ although that is a part of it.  Mostly how you can consistently be your true self regardless of how others influence how you feel at the moment.  This must start by identifying your authentic, core values.  Those parts of life that are treasures to you- what must be a part of your daily life.  Think about it hard and identify your highest authentic values.  Write them down (thank you Mach II for helping me do this recently).  Mine are love, family, fun, success, integrity, compassion, contribution and gratitude.  Now for the hard part – how do you live up to these values no matter what is said or done around you?

Example – just pretend you have a friend who is compassionate, interactive, social and likes to help others.  This friend has a cousin that is very self absorbed and not positive in any aspect.  You are with that friend and see how they act more withdrawn, less compassionate, less communicative around that family member then how they truly are.  Your friend, probably in an effort to save his/her energy, pulls away from their cousin. Interesting to watch eh?  Then later you listen to your friend wish they could not feel like that but could still be themselves.  Your friend almost feels guilty about changing who they are in this situation. Why is it so hard?  (this is a not related to any of my cousins – I love you! purely an example).  

I’ve been there.  My husband makes a comment that sets me off – instead of being set off I need to center back to my authentic self.  Not let what he has said change how I show up. He’s not trying to hurt me so why take it personal? (that’s a more real example – love you honey). To be fair- I do the same thing to him too. It reminds me to be myself in interactions I start too as I may affect someone in a not so great way or in a positive way.  Depends on how I show up.  How about the jerk, I mean guy, that cut me off this morning on my way to boot camp.  Instead of getting pissed off – I need to center myself.  I don’t know what’s going on in his life- maybe he had a really good reason for doing that.  Regardless, that small incident shouldn’t change that I’m compassionate and loving not a finger throwing gal.  It reminds me of one of the four agreements – to not take anything personal.

See what I mean?  It’s not easy but it’s life altering.  I know after continuing to give more thought to this during the many moments of life it soon will become habitual and really be life altering.  It will only allow me to be living even closer to my element.  My true self showing up all the time will only lead me to where I need to be.

Think about your core values and how you are showing up.  Re-evaluate, move towards your element.  I’ll do my best to meet you there!

Walking out of the darkness

I know this blog is about being and living in your element so I don’t want to get caught up in living in the past.  But without this experience I had almost six years ago I don’t think I would be as aware of trying to live in my element.  Please be patient.

Saturday was the fifth year we gathered to support the AFSP for the Out of Darkness Walk.  I feel strongly that it’s the thing to do to support other families and those who have dealt with suicide.  It’s a walk to remove the stigma attached to those that have committed suicide, to show that they were real people too- not crazy irrational people but everyday people. Unfortunately.  Even though I know this – it definitely doesn’t make it easier.

I don’t even now what the feeling is called…..the feeling that starts to sink in as I pull into the parking lot and see all the people there.  Tribes gathering together, representing who they have lost – t-shirts representing dates, names, and lives.  The feeling of seeing my mom, my sisters, my nephews, my kids, my husband, my family walking in to the flood of people and feeling the impact of why we are all coming together. Over the last five years the number of people participating has grown from about 100 people to over 1000! This is good because it means that others are coming out of the darkness too.  Bad because it means that there are still too many people out there being affected by this national epidemic.  Did you know that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in our country?  That 10 youth a week die in the state of Utah by suicide?

I applaud all those brave souls who showed up to honor their loved ones.   I applaud my family for being brave souls.  I applaud myself for being a brave soul (I haven’t always been one).  It takes a lot of bravery to show up.  It takes mushing through that ‘feeling’, acknowledging other peoples deep, deep pain, really seeing the vulnerability of your loved ones as their whole experience from the past comes rushing back.  It’s an experience.

I applaud anyone who has ever gone through any aspect of suicide in their life and survived it.  It’s not an easy journey. That isn’t what this blog is about but oh my….I could write a novel about what it takes to survive a suicide.

For myself I could never not show up for this gathering of the tribes.  By doing so it helps me remember, it gives me something back if I can make my self show up.  It helps me realize… we never know what others have experienced in their lives.  It makes me remember the opportunity this tragedy gave me – compassion for others.  True compassion for others deep inside.  I will show up and walk out of the darkness ever year to help me never forget.  To never get so caught up in my busy life that my compassion is numbed in any way.  By living from the heart with compassion it helps draw me to my element.   To my passion of helping others, giving back and learning that it’s okay to live with an open heart.

One love, one heart.  We are all connected.

My fifteen year dash

Fifteen years ago today I married my best friend surrounded by family and friends.  It was full of love and celebration.  It seems like a long time ago in some ways and not so long in other

When I think back of how those days were fifteen years ago compared to now it’s kind of crazy.  Then we camped every weekend in the summer, skied a lot more, took up new hobbies, saw lots of live shows, lived where we thought might be interesting, changed careers, could go anywhere with no notice. Now we have a mortgage, steady jobs, have lived in the same area for 12 years,  have two cars, attempt to get outside much more, pay a lot more attention to our nutrition and have two incredibly wonderful kids.  Both times had ups and downs.  As I reflect on how much has changed, people we have lost, experiences that have pushed us to be more ourselves….it brings me to tears of joy and gratitude.  Have you ever read the poem ‘The Dash’?  If you haven’t here is a link:  http://lindaellis.net/the-dash/the-dash-poem-by-linda-ellis/   Read it TODAY!

The time from 1998 to now is a dash that is filled with so many experiences that I would never change.  And through it all has been this man, my best friend, Adam standing right by my side.  Can you say unconditional love in any other way?  I feel so lucky to have such a partner, friend, and outstanding father like him.  Have I been that to him?  I know I’ve tried and after thinking about our ‘dash’ I’m definitely going to try even harder.  For in another fifteen years our dash is going to have even more precious moments to cherish.  Until then, I will live every day to make a more meaningful dash for us, to create our element of living.

Even after fifteen years- he’s surprised me by figuring out a babysitter and taking me out (I didn’t even have to plan this!!!  AMAZING!)

Here’s to creating your dash and living in your element.  Love you Adam.

The little things in the day – we are rubber bands!

Life is crazy.  When I really sit back and think about all the little things that affect each of us as we travel through our days it is pretty amazing how fluid we really are.

In the last 3 days alone I’ve personally known people dealing with: a hit and run, pregnancy issues that could be fatal, working too much, kids throwing up, stress of missing an important meeting, finding a new place to live and relocating your family, disruptions in an organizations mission by well meaning people, having to plan travels and find babysitting,  single parenting, technology glitches, a fridge that died, not having your kid for 3 weeks because of shared custody, anniversary dates you don’t want to remember…..and those are the little not so nice things that may throw you off (this doesn’t even cover the really big not so nice things that happen to thousands of people a day = loss).

Then you have the little nice things that throw you off – people really wanting your opinion on a subject you care deeply about, the hit and run person following up later, being included in an important meeting, the love of family nearby,  your kids just wanting to cuddle until they fall asleep because they think you are soft and smell good, an incredible sunset that lights up your house like no other, the fact that you actually got to shower before noon, doing really well in class, a new opportunity to learn something new, finishing the workout you didn’t think you would, reconnecting with an old friend, making a new friend, and being in nature when you didn’t think you would be able to leave your office at all.

We are truly incredible beings that deal with an incredible amount of dynamics in our days. I think we should all take a moment and pat ourselves on the back.  As we strive to live in the present moment – the present happens.  Somehow we are able to adapt and for the most part not let it overwhelm us (at least for not too long).  We bounce back just like a rubber band.  That is if we choose to allow ourselves to be that fluid.  Choose to bounce back, choose to be fluid, choose to embrace your daily experiences.  All those experiences and how we bounce back from them help create our element if we do it the best we can.

The element is where we all deserve to be living.